(Editor’s Note: This is your official spoiler alert. If you haven’t seen the season premier yet and want it to remain a surprise, DO NOT READ ON. )
9:00 – 9:08:59 I’m so excited I just held my face with both hands as I giggled through the first nine minutes of the show. You didn’t miss much. Vinnie’s uncles want him to take his talents to South Beach in a big way this year and the kid does seem to have a new air of confidence. He’s like the Rajon Rondo of the Jersey Shore. We also find out Pauly D succumbed to the advances of Angelina during the offseason while they were drunk in a club in LA. I have to hand it to the producers. It was a brilliant idea having the cast go down to Miami during the harsh northeast winter. It’s as if the spirit of the Jersey Shore always lives, refusing to be bound by the finite concepts of seasons or snow.
9:09 Angelina is now officially my most intriguing character of season two. She’s claiming she’s down to party and seems to have a new swagger about her. I can only hope she has formulated a plot to seduce every guy in the house in their weakest moments while rubbing it in the faces of all the girls.
9:10 Pauly D and the Situation get their Caddie stuck in the mud while attempting to light off firecrackers which also manages to get their AAA rescue truck stuck. They are saved by a third truck that pulls them all out.
9:11 A southern dude in Savannah, GA tries to hit on Snooki and Jwoww at a BBQ joint. This guy may have just won himself a spinoff show.
9:12 First commercial break. MTV is on the clock. I wager a seven minute time out is in order.
9:16 “The smush captain is on his way,” announces Ronnie out of the commercial break. Vinnie states his intentions to hook up with sixty different girls in sixty days. The plot devices are captivating. I am mesmerized as the first castmates pull into Miami to the tune of Enrique Iglesias’ “I like it.” The Situation and Pauly D have the first draft picks for rooms…again. A wise move by the now experienced veterans.
9:19 Angelina nearly surpasses last year’s classy opening with the trash bag suitcases by wearing extremely short jean shorts and pulling her underwear out the sides. Pauly D is so shocked that she is there that he nearly sucker punches her when she shows her face.
9:20 MTV got me with the old “short commercial break followed by an even shorter viewing of the show” trick. A great move, I should have seen it coming. Five minutes of commercials are my guess.
9:24 Four minutes of commercials.
9:25 Sammi Sweetheart is in the building. The Situation begins formulating a gameplan to get into her pants. He lets us know, “he may entertain that idea.” She doesn’t stand a chance.
9:27 Vinnie arrives. The dude has filled out. I have high expectations for his smushing this season. Let’s hope he doesn’t go into a sophomore slump.
9:28 Ronnie wanders into house and is clearly set on losing his mind this year. He says, rather sheepishly, that he is going to try to “outdo the situation,” ending forever the argument of which male castmate has the most prowess over the opposite sex. Sammi stares a hole through his gorilla backside and….MTV cuts to a commercial. /bows head, should have seen it coming
9:32 Big hug from Ronnie and Sammi that lasts a little longer than it should have (upon further viewing he definitely planted a kiss on her too). The gorilla realizes his rookie mistake and quickly pulls away.
9:33 Jwow and Snookers are the last to arrive. They run on their own time. They’re the alpha dogs this year and they quickly lay down their hatred of Angelina, the biggest threat to their Guidette top dog status.
9:35 One of the most underrated aspects of the Situation is his ability to talk people through tense moments, always trying to get cooler heads to prevail. He’s not down for fighting and really just wants everyone to go through life having as much fun as he does. He displays this skill as he tries to talk Angelina through a rough moment after the other three girls make it clear she is the outcast.
9:36 Angelina has been practicing her Guidette accent. This Jersey Shore veteran is not impressed.
9:39 I’m pretty sure Hurley from Lost is on Teen Mom this year.
9:40 Jwoww is nearly taken out when a shelf collapses from the weight of her clothes. Anyone else think Angelina may have had something to do with this? I half expected her to be flipping a screwdriver up and down in the confession booth.
9:41 As the girls clean up the clothes from the shelf collapse, Angelina walks by. She seems pissed that Sammi wasn’t injured.
9:42 We get an inside look at how much of an experience (I estimate it took at least two and a half hours on my second viewing) it is for the cast to get ready—a ritual on par with Ray Allen’s three hour pre-game routine, or the custom of eating the same meal before every contest. It’s breathtaking. Pay special attention to the Situation stealing the mirror from Sammi. Look at that game face. Solid gold. A toast is in order to the producers for introducing the mirror cam.
9:44 Jwoww is the Charles Oakley to Snooki’s MJ (if you didn’t know, Oak is essentially MJ’s lifelong bodyguard both on the court when they were in the NBA and now in real life…he accompanies His Airness everywhere). OH MY GOD. She is about to kill Angelina. Snooki holds her back and tries to dissolve the situation (no pun intended) by acting like an idiot. Oh no, Angelina…don’t do it…she took the bait and went after Snooki—the only person trying to defend her. We may have just seen the Staten Island female take her last breath.
9:48 Snooki is completely un-phased. She proves her MJ status with her ability to block out all the noise and immediately channel her Guidette powers. She is the first castmate with a drink in hand at the club. Well played.
9:50 Ronnie sloppily tells Sammi he’s going to make her feel like he feels. He can’t stop nodding his head and is unable to make eye contact. He may have just picked up that cocaine addiction so many people were rooting for.
9:51 Ronnie is belligerent. He’s spent his entire offseason thinking about this moment and he just performed under pressure like Nick the Brick. Vinnie bites the bullet and serves as his escort the rest of the night because he clearly can’t be around Sam. The girls, minus Angelina, head home in a cab.
9:55 I defer to Pauly D, “Ronnie is in creep mode.”
9:55 The Situation is concerned. He introduces the term “landmine” into our lexicon (a grenade that is skinny) to describe the type of girls Ronnie is hooking up with all over the club. He is completely serious when he describes this— this is why he carries the show. He dubs Ronnie “Sloppy Joe.”
9:56 Sammi admits she still loves Ronnie when she gets back to the house. I can’t believe I’m about to say this but we might need to start rooting for their romance to work out or we might have to watch Ronnie get booted from the show to join Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab cast next season. What am I talking about? That would be awesome. Smush away Ron.
9:59 We’re teased to Snooki and Angelina fighting next week along with Jwoww and Sammi trading blows. You’re damn right I watched the second showing that came on immediately after the first.