Big baby getting postered is about as common as Blake Griffin alley-oops at this point. This time, at the hands of Joakim Noah:
Jeff Teague had a nice transition poster against Boston:
And finally, Deron Williams throwind down with such authority that Tristan Thompson intentionally gets out of the way:
Obviously some of these are far-fetched, but desperate times call for desperate measures! Dwight has made it clear he’s had enough with the cougars who prowl the stands during Orlando’s games. Orlando needs to act fast to complete a deal or else risk becoming the next Cleveland or Toronto. And don’t even try to woo us with your fancy pants reasoning that it might be better for Orlando to actually let him walk, because of the new ramifications of the CBA and salary cap. A no fun zone, this is not!
For this column we examined trades for every single team in the NBA. Don’t worry, we won’t waste your time by showing you how a potential deal between the Bobcats and Magic would break down. We’ve instead narrowed it to teams that Dwight would actually re-sign with or those who would likely risk trading away everything for the potential to convince him to stay in the next three months. One last note: all trades are 100% verified in the ESPN trade machine which we’ve linked individually to show you (note, they’ll show you how the trades would affect each team’s projected win total as well).
From least interesting to most interesting, we present this year’s candidates on the NBA’s version of the Bachelor…
Potential Suitor: Boston Celtics
Analysis: This isn’t very likely to happen, but because of ESPN and Bill Simmons’ obsession of pretending like the Celtics are always in the mix for every player ever, we included it anyway. Rondo and Allen are definitely serviceable assets that any team would be more than happy to land. The reason this trade doesn’t happen though is that Dwight would never sign an extension here, given that the only potential remaining teammates left that are worth a damn would be Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. But they have like 114 years on this earth between the two of them.
Potential Suitor: LA Lakers
Analysis: Before breaking it down any further, you’re going to notice a trend among these trades in that the Magic are going to try to pair Turkoglu and his horrific contract if they do decide to ditch Dwight. It makes a ton of sense, especially paired with their demand for expiring contracts, young talent, and stars in return. On paper, this trade works for both teams. The Lakers get the reincarnation of Shaq as well as a serviceable point guard who isn’t an AIG-sized liability every time he steps on the floor. The Magic get a ton of talent in return that can’t leave in the next couple years, as well as an expiring deal in Murphy and some young talent in Goudelock. Everybody wins. Of course this won’t happen because Jim Buss has a man-crush on Andrew Bynum that would leave Vinne and Pauly D jealous. Organizational success be damned.
Potential Suitor: Golden State Warriors
Analysis: If the Magic do decide to move Howard, this might be the only deal among all of these that actually gets offered. They’d be getting the whole package of dumping bad contracts, getting pseudo stars with reasonable contracts, acquiring young talent, as well as taking on expiring deals. I have no idea why Golden State is willing to risk their next five years for the chance to sell Dwight in just three month’s time, but hey, I guess we could always entertain the idea that they’re masking a tank job and praying for Anthony Davis in the lottery this summer.
Potential Suitor: New Jersey Nets (Soon To Be Brooklyn)
Analysis: This trade is only interesting in that it pairs Dwight with Deron Williams combined with the move to Brooklyn next year. While the prospect of Jay-Z dropping lyrics about Dwight/Deron alley-oops is a little appealing, I really don’t feel like the Nets have enough to offer.
Potential Suitor: Houston Rockets
Analysis: I never, never, never discount Houston GM Daryl Morey when it comes to the opportunity to trade for a franchise superstar. He knows better than any other executive that it takes a top-ten player to win titles in this league and has basically assembled an organization that allows him to quickly execute a trade at any time. Houston is the basketball stat nerd’s wet dream. They win with a ton of under-valued, forgotten players and they’re of course all signed for next-to-nothing money. Watch out for the Rockets to sweep in quietly and steal Howard.
Potential Suitor: Miami Heat
Analysis: The numbers actually work on this one, just saying…
Potential Suitor: Chicago Bulls
Analysis: Of all the teams that have the potential to make a trade for Dwight work, Chicago should be the one begging hardest to make it happen. They also just so happen to have more than enough assets to leave Orlando satisfied. They’d still retain either Asik or Gibson to run alongside Dwight in the front court. And, oh yeah, they’d freaking ease the burden of Derrick Rose who appears like he might only have two or three years left in his body if he continues at this rate. This deal has been rumored to potentially get nixed because Dwight and Rose are both Adidas clients and the shoe company has let them both know they can’t maximize revenues playing in the same market. We say: that’s f—-ing weak. Make this happen, please.
Potential Suitor: OKC Thunder
Analysis: I could spend hours trying to convince you why this makes way too much sense. Obviously Orlando gets a true superstar in return as well as some useful players. But the big bonus is OKC gets rid of the constant criticism surrounding KD and Westbrook in the fourth quarter. They also can then throw out this lineup in crunch time: Eric Maynor, James Harden, Kevin Durant, Serge Ibaka, and Dwight Howard. That’s game over, folks.
Potential Suitor: New York Knicks
This would be an Antarica-sized ice cold move by the Knicks. After being organizationally irrelevant for the past decade or so, would they really turn their back on two of the three players who begged to come make them matter again? Of course! This team is run by James Dolan, after all, only the single worst NBA owner not named Donald Sterling. I cannot imagine the chaos this would create on the internet and ESPN HQ in Bristol. But the great thing is, it actually does make sense, when you think about it. You can go to war with Jeremy Lin/Amare or Tyson/Dwight. Also: Jeremy Lin and Dwight would probably go down as the first or second best pick-and-roll combination of all-time, if only because of the amount of hype they’d produce by invading the market in Asia. I’d also sadly take some sort of sick satisfaction in Carmelo having to go in exile in Orlando for the next four years after the mess he put Denver through last year. I’m not proud to admit that, but it’s entirely true. For anyone who would eventually like to witness the internet explode, this is the trade to root for.
GREAT day for the NBA yesterday, as you can see. I wish I could see him doing this once a day for at least ten years.