So I decided a unique way to spin the NBA power rankings today was to compare all the teams right now to the best (and worst) films of 2011 as judged by me, a not at all qualified film critic. Although probably not fair, I decided to divide it right down the middle with my 15 worst movies describing the 16-30 teams and my 15 best movies describing teams 1-15. Feel free to tell me what an idiot I am and what movies I neglected to include on either side.
30. Charlotte Bobcats: New Year’s Eve – Because that’s the official day the Bobcats were officially eliminated from the playoffs.
29. Washington Wizards: Mars Needs Moms – Because it’s never a good sign when your team’s most disappointing player needs his mother to defend him in the media.
28. Detroit Pistons: The Thing – Because that’s what Joe Dumars keeps telling everyone his team is missing when failing mightily in his attempt to remake a classic.
27. Sacramento Kings: Cowboys and Aliens – Because when you have two guys with the talents of Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins (or Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig), it’s a head scratcher to the people in charge when it fails this miserably, or maybe not to every sane observer.
26. New Orleans Hornets: I Don’t Know How She Does It – Because we don’t know how this team is expected to compete while David Stern is their GM.
25. Phoenix Suns: The Rum Diary – Because sometimes having a brilliant lead man isn’t enough to compensate for the shortcomings of everyone around him.
24. Toronto Raptors: Happy Feet Two – Because that’s what new head coach Dwane Casey is preaching his team to learn first.
23. New Jersey Nets: Transformers 3 Dark Of The Moon – Because this is exactly what happens when you spend money for spending money’s sake and also what happens when you have a disinterested superstar who hates his situation.
22. Cleveland Cavaliers: Conan The Barbarian – Because how else to describe what Kyrie Irving is doing in his first season as a pro?
21. Golden State Warriors: The Big Year – Because that’s what it always seems like the Warriors are posed for until they’re not.
20. New York Knicks: Green Lantern – Because throwing ridiculous amounts of money at your lack of a real star always works out well. Not.
19. Milwaukee Bucks: Sucker Punch – Because that’s how we feel every time Andrew Bogut goes down with another season-ending injury.
18. Orlando Magic: Tower Heist – Because that’s exactly what’s going to happen when one of the teams in the major markets swoops in to land Dwight Howard. Also: overspending for a supporting cast is the worst idea ever.
17. Utah Jazz: Glee The 3D Concert Movie – Because that’s the emotion I still feel knowing the Jazz got rid of their HOF coach and franchise superstar last year within the span of a couple of weeks.
16. Boston Celtics: Hangover Part II – Because going with the exact same formula that helped you win a couple of years ago never works out just as successfully the next time.
15. San Antonio Spurs: War Horse – Because we can think of no better nickname for this team while under Gregg Popovich. Not going to win any trophies this year though.
14. Houston Rockets: Moneyball – Because, duh.
13. Minnesota Timberwolves: Hugo – Because who knew something this fun could actually be this good?
12. Los Angeles Lakers: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2 – Because all good things must come to an end. Finally.
11. Memphis Grizzlies: Bridesmaids – Because surprisngly good is always the best kind of good.
10. Atlanta Hawks: Mission Impossible 4 Ghost Protocol – Because that’s what the Hawks have in front of them if they ever want to be known as anything other than the most underachieving team of the 2010s.
9. Philadelphia 76ers: The Descendants – Because the Sixers need to find out that they inherited a bagillion acres of Hawaii’s finest real estate in order to figure out their own destiny as well = not happening.
8. Indiana Pacers: The Interrupters – Because this is exactly the role the Pacers were born to play in the Eastern Conference the next couple of years, preventing at least one gang fight between the Heat and Bulls.
7. Dallas Mavericks: The Help – Because despite seeming to be not deserving of the hype, it’s way better than you think it is.
6. Denver Nuggets: 13 Assassins – Because I can think of no better nickname for this roster the Nuggets have assembled.
5. LA Clippers: Midnight In Paris – Because it’s the best product we’ve seen from this organization in years (ditto: Woody Allen). Still can’t tell if it’s real life or fantasy though.
4. Portland Trailblazers: Drive – Because was there anything as shockingly good this year? The answer is no, no there’s not.
3. Chicago Bulls: The Artist – Because, at the moment, that’s the single best description of what Derrick Rose becomes on a basketball court.
2. Miami Heat: Take Shelter – Because that’s what the rest of the team’s in the Eastern Conference are going to need to do come playoff time, Chicago included.
1. Oklahoma City Thunder: Tree Of Life – Because it’s probably the best, but it’s always open for debate.