by Ross Morgan
(Editor’s Note: Gen Y co-founder Ross Morgan makes his writing debut for the site with this awesome Jersey Shore Preview. A warning to our readers, this column is rated R. If you have any objections to sexually provocative language or drug references, please pass on this piece. You’ve been warned.)
image via Huffington Post
Gentlemen, get your hairgel ready; Ladies, get your bumpits in; And Everyone get your mystic tans on. It’s time for the Jersey Shore cast to take their talents to South Beach. As members of Generation Y, the writers of this site are obligated to provide commentary on the most prominent show featuring members of our generation that scare the hell out of middle America.
For those that are blessed and aren’t inundated with MTV promotions, the second season of Jersey Shore starts tonight.
Let us first start with some facts. The show will be taking place in Miami, FL. The original idea for the second season was to split the season into two halves. The first half would take place in Miami, and the second half would take place in the original setting of Seaside Heights, Noo Joisey. The idea must have sprung from the obvious differences between the two settings, because, you know, it’s not like Florida isn’t made up primarily of emigrants from the North East. The producers from MTV quickly decided that the two settings should be two seasons, therefore, season two is strictly Miami.
This leads to my first prediction. The fact that they’re in Miami will not matter. Nobody who watched season one cared about the actual Jersey Shore. Viewers only care about the characters. Therefore, unless The Situation develops a healthy cocaine habit, they might as well have filmed the season on a Hollywood lot.
And I just thought of my first question. How is it that a show based on hedonism and partying doesn’t show or mention any drug use, other than steroids? I mean they don’t even smoke pot. There’s no way this is realistic, right? The producers have to be editing this stuff out.
On the topic on Miami, if this season bombs, will the viewers blame it on South Beach? Let’s say the characters basically reenact season one, will the viewers decide the fault was on Miami for not creating new plot devices? In addition to the Lebron decision, will this further push Miami to the status of being the most hated city in America?
I can think of only one other city in America that has held that distinction: Dallas, TX. After John F. Kennedy was killed, America harbored immense animosity towards the Big D. You know what reversed those feelings of hate? Two things: a sports team called the Dallas Cowboys and a TV show called Dallas. See the parallels? Much like Dallas killed JFK, Miami killed Cleveland.
Our generation’s perception of Miami will now be shaped by a sports team and a television show. The similarities between what these two entities must do is striking. They must surpass all of the naysayers and win. Lebron James will need to change his game by accepting a role of a lesser alpha-dog, or the Miami Heat won’t win, period. The Miami Heat and LBJ have to win titles to avoid ridicule. The same for Jersey Shore, they will need to up their game, creating something new, in order to attract the same fanfare that they saw in the first season. I’m pretty sure we already ridicule them.
Let’s examine the issues leftover from the first season so I can predict the direction of the second season.
I suppose the most engaging story-line of the offseason has been Ronnie and Sammi’s relationship. Tabloids have been reporting that the relationship has been on-again off-again. The filming for season two started in late March. In searching the newswires for information about the two around that date (sad and pathetic, I know), I saw that the two reportedly called it quits around the beginning of March. Ronnie then started tweeting GTS, a play on GTL (which stands for gym, tan, laundry [a perfect day for guys on Jersey Shore and housewives from Westover Hills]). GTS stands for gym, tan, smush (smush is guido for sex). It sounds like Ronnie utilized his newfound fame and singleness to line-up a string of one-night stands. Here are examples of his tweets, “Early morning GTS.. Busy day gonna be crazy…. @Sn00ki … Come on Snooki u can never GTS to much (u kno that lol)… wooooo… 2 weeks, You ready? bc im not.”
I haven’t seen a tweet like that since Jason Terry tweeted, “2birds with 1 stone if you have kids with bdays in the same month one party coo slappys playhouse made me miss homey the clown.”
I couldn’t find a twitter account for Sammi. But, if I had to predict it’s contents, I would predict she would write the same 2 tweets every day, “I’m the sweetest B*tch you’ll ever meet.” And “My friends call me a heartbreaker.” Sammi’s personality is boring and slightly sucks.
My prediction is that the Ronnie/Sammi drama will be just that, drama. It will be drawn out the whole season. But this is a good thing. For guys that watch the show in mixed company, you can now have the ladies occupied with the tumultous relationship, while you cheer on the Situation and Snooki in their quest to smush.
In regards to the quest to accumulate large quantities of smush, I’ll start by analyzing The Situation. First thought, should I capitalize the s in situation? Second thought, can anyone doubt that the Situation will land as much tail as he wants this season. By all accounts, he’s been extremely successful in training for this in the off-season. He now has fame going for him, enough said. This will be disappointing to me, and most of my friends, as we thought one of the best things about the original season was that the Situation’s game and sexual attempts would always fail. The lack of sex combined with his bragging about having lots of sex made for excellent television. I think it reminded us of middle school, when every guy claimed to have hooked-up with over 10 girls and bragged about having a foot-long schlong. Of course, none of this showboating was ever true, except when I said it.
Snooki is harder to analyze. I want to assume fame will help her gain the same sexual success that I predict for The Situation. But, I might be semi-sexist, or might look at things from a man’s perspective—whichever the case, I think that it’s a different mindset for the guys that will possibly smush with Snookie than for the girls that will be smushing with the Situation (I want to claim the honor of being the first person to use the word smush with a future progressive tense). Readers that are men, let me ask you a question. Would you want to be the guy that hooked up with Snooki on national TV? That thought will go through the mind of every guy she hits on at the club. There are two types of guys that will hook up with her. The first is the blacked out drunk. The second is a guy who has that strange personality-type that leads them to kill people in order to see their picture in the newspaper. The first type reminds me of myself and my friends, a thought that will keep me up tonight. The second type would be awesome for the show. This type likely is desperate for attention and sexual interaction (Holy Crap! A male version of Snooki). He could be her booty-call, and while he’s at their pad, the other housemates could make fun of him. Everybody wins here.
I put the odds at 100% that Pauly D will be the guest DJ at some random club in at least one episode this season. Also, place a wager on him being the Situation’s wingman in at least one episode. A riskier wager can be placed on the over/under for the number of times the word grenade is used (A grenade is an ugly girl with hot friends. The theory is that every group of girlfriends MUST include a grenade). Pauly D would be perfectly predictable if it wasn’t for his desire to hook-up with Jwoww. A hookup of that magnitude could rock the Jersey Shore world to its core.
I want Jwoww to see Pauly D’s piercing again and again and again.
Jwoww provides more to the show than her tension around Pauly D. She likes to fight. Her brawls in season one were always the best, and I predict nothing less going into this season. I hope she fights both Sammi and Angelina. She and Snooki will likely go gorilla hunting (a gorilla is a guy that takes steroids). I don’t think the two of them read the book “Juiced” in which Jose Canseco claims that HGH turned his testicles into caviar eggs. Jwoww will also be single during this season, meaning no more stupid boring phone calls during the show to some random insecure boyfriend. This also means she will be flaunting her fake breasts to the absolute limit of acceptability (low low threshold). Put money down on a wager that they will come out at least once.
I have no p